I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
