if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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