you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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