Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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