A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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