Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
