So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just forgot I was standing up.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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