after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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