thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
