Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
