Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm passing your future prison.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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