i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
