everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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