this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
