Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
