I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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