On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
