If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
