I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
