dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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