i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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