That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize