just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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