I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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