you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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