You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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