cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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