I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
