Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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