my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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