I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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