remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
