u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
