yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
