I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
