i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
