I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
