I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize