i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
