I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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