Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize