You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
3 2 1 whiskey
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
