You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
