remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize