Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
