I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
