I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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