Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
