In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
