Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
MIDGETS
????
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
