i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
