Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
