By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
This house was built for laser tag.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
