did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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