Your tits are I can't wait for
grandma shit on top of the toilet
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
