My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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