My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
