I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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