respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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