you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
it's like iHOP with fire
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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